BMW's latest releases are a Family Guy episode on four wheels. If anyone has seen the episode of South Park parodying Family Guy's plot developments, you'll know what I mean; it's manatees in a tank fetching random idea balls and throwing them together. The manufacturer of vehicles touted as the "Ultimate Driving Machine" has gone off the deep end. People thought Mercedes was doing the same when they made the CLS for style-conscious consumers; Mercedes had the last laugh, though, walking away having created a totally new market. Will BMW have the same success? Me thinks not.
BMW, in a poor attempt to emulate Mercedes, has strayed from the beaten path in an attempt to capitalize on original ideas. The last few attempts by the Bavarians make me wonder exactly how much money they have in order to waste so much on ugly, redundant products in these trying times.
Take, for example their sport utility (oh, I'm sorry, activity) lineup. God forbid buyers confuse these vehicles with something having utility. Other than the X5, these vehicles are highly questionable. Large and midsize SAVs; ok, I understand these markets exist. "Slightly-smaller-than-midsize" and "coupe"; you lost me.
While the X5 and X3 move up in size, apparently a "slightly smaller than midsize" SAV is needed to fill the gap left by the hardly successful X3. The upcoming X1 (basically a less manly version of the X3, if that's possible) is a "Sport Activity Vehicle in the premium compact segment". Jesus, now they're just making things up. Premium Compact Sport Activity Vehicles? Let's just call it what it is: pointless, and fugly to boot.
What about the X6? It's a Sports Activity Coupe. That doesn't even start to make sense, considering the fact that it's a four-door SUV. What do you get for your $55,900 entry price? Room for four, minimal cargo space, and a cramping roofline, not to mention one ugly mother. What's worse, Acura (in yet another attempt to reach top-tier status) has decided to copy it. I'll chalk that one up as a wasted effort, guys.
What is the X6's purpose? Well, no doubt it'll do a great job of rubbing pointless excess in everyone's face, but that's about all. I recall one commenter on the web thanking BMW for creating a new class of douche with the X6. Nail on the head, sir, nail on the head.
And BMW's cars? Well, time was BMW sedans could do no wrong. Alas, ladies and gentlemen, you must not have noticed the latest eyesore brought about by dropping the X6 a few centimeters: the 5-Series GT. The only nifty part about the whole shebang is the rear hatch; that's where it ends. The GT is apparently targeting the three people who want a sedan with just a little bit more space, but who don't want to go all out for the wagon for fear they might appear too practical.
All is not lost, though. At least most of the cars and car concepts in BMW's future look promising. The 7 has gotten some of its elegance back and the new Z4 is a looker. Then we have the latest rumor of the Z2, which makes green look damn sexy. If BMW keeps up with ideas like this, perhaps I can look past the absurdity of their utility-lacking activity vehicles.
By Phil Alex
Phil Alex was born in Rhode Island in 1985, yet for reasons unbeknownst to him moved to South Carolina. He graduated with degrees in Finance and German from Wofford College in 2007 and has had a strange obsession with cars and travel since he was a wee lad. He currently resides a stone's throw from Japan's international airport in Narita. All of this can be seen on Facebook, so check it out. He makes no apologies for his articles and welcomes all feedback, as long as it is adamantly worded.
